Last week, someone contacted me through my website and shared her story of loss. Then she asked what she could do to feel whole again. My heart breaks for her and for so many like her who feel broken and alone.
I tried to email her back but for some reason the email address she provided wouldn't let me send a reply. So I'm going to answer her on here and pray she reads it. This is for her and for anyone else who might be wondering how to move forward after a miscarriage...
You asked me how to go on with empty arms. How to stop thinking about having a baby when you are constantly surrounded by new babies or pregnant women.
I wish with all of my heart I had an easy answer for you. I wish I could tell you that if you did these three things, you would feel better. Unfortunately, there isn't an easy fix. No one can give you the one thing you want most-a baby. Please know
that I'm lifting you up in prayers and that I'm here if
you need to vent again.
I am so, so sorry for your losses. My heart just breaks as I read your message. No one should have to go through losing a baby-most certainly not three... I can't give you a quick fix, but I can share with you some things that have helped me. Maybe they'll help you too.
First of all, allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. I stuffed my anger toward God for such a long time, and that only made it worse. Once I finally let myself feel the emotions, God was able to help me though them. In line with that, tell God how you're feeling. If you feel like he let you down, tell him. He already knows anyway. And he wants a relationship with you, so you may as well be honest.
Secondly, as difficult as it is to try to find the blessings in your life right now, look for them anyway. I remember feeling so depressed after our third miscarriage. Like I had nothing good in my life. I wish now that I would have at least found some positive things during that time. Because there most certainly were some. I just wasn't able to see them through my pain.
You might want to pull back from certain relationships/Facebook. Pregnancy announcements are hard. I stopped checking Facebook during the worst part of my grief. One thing I would recommend if you pull back from people, though, is to tell them why. If they're your friends and family, they will hopefully respect your need to heal.
Fourth, you might want to consider professional counseling. It really helped a lot just to share all of my feelings with someone who I knew wasn't going to judge me. I started seeing a counselor after our 2nd loss, and it changed me dramatically. It can be expensive, though :(
Also, it really helped me to read other people's stories. It's weird. I cried so much as I read through babyloss blogs, but in some weird way, that was therapeutic. I also had my kids' names written in the sand at www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com. This was really therapeutic for me too. And my husband and I did a little memorial service. All of these things helped me-kind of made me feel like I was honoring their little lives in some way...
If you think sharing your story would help you, I would be happy to open up my blog to you sometime. It could be anonymous or with your name, whatever you are more comfortable with. And I know there are other places to share on the web as well. Writing was beneficial for me. It allowed me to get it all out. If writing is something that helps, a blog might be a good outlet. Or even just a journal...
Music helped me too, these songs in particular:
I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp
I Will Walk by Faith by Jeremy Camp
Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns
I Will Carry You by Selah
The Desert Song by Hillsong United
Here's the thing...about six months ago, I was right where you are. Angry at God and not having the slightest idea how I was going to make it through the day-let alone the year. I was convinced God no longer cared about me. That my prayers were falling on closed ears. Then, a few months later, he opened the door for us to adopt a baby. Without us even pursuing adoption. I don't know what the future holds for you-or how God is going to heal your heart-what I do know is this. Somehow, someday, He will.
I'm here if you need to chat. Sending prayers and virtual hugs to you...
If you were the one who emailed me, I'm so sorry I couldn't get the email to go through to you. I'm praying for you and trusting that God will make his presence known to you soon. Please let me know if I can help in any other way.