I believe God loves you. I really do.
I think he would do anything to show you how much he loves you.
The problem is...sometimes I don't think the same for me. Especially lately. Ever since we had our fourth miscarriage (well, probably before that...), I can't honestly say I trust God's love for me.
I still know the facts. I know Jesus died for me. I know God willingly gave his only Son for my salvation. I know the Bible promises that He will work everything out for my good.
I guess I just struggle to believe him.
I've seen God do miracles. I've seen him remove cancer when the doctors say it can't be done. I've seen him give children when the doctors call it impossible. I've seen him do all these wonderful things...for other people.
What I haven't seen, though, is him answer our prayers for another biological child. If it were you I was praying for, I would have faith God would move a mountain. But when it comes to me, not so much.
What I'm finally realizing (thanks primarily to this post), is that this struggle isn't just an issue of grief for me (though that is part of it). It's an issue of unbelief.
I believe God loves you, but I sometimes doubt he feels the same way about me. If I'm really honest, I don't always believe he has my best interests in mind.
Plain and simple, this unbelief is sin.
It's not just pain. It's not just worry. It's sin. It's refusing to believe God at his word. It's refusing to acknowledge the ways he has worked in my life (because, believe me, he has done some pretty amazing things, if I'll only stop and remember them).
Sure, I might not be able to see how God is going to work this whole mess out for my good. But isn't that what faith is all about? Believing even when you can't see how it's possible? Trusting even when it doesn't make sense?